crazy

My depression has set in a lot lately, and it has taken its toll on my whole household. Elijah and I but heads a whole lot on a normal day, but when depression is floating around me, we but heads a lot more. I am a calm laid back go with the flow kind of person, Elijah is not. Hes more high strung than everyone else in the house, and that clashes with me. Today is day TWO of summer vacation, and yesterday was a rough day, I totally lost my cool and just lashed out at Elijah, and scared him. It was near bedtime, I wasn't on my meds (Dr took me off of them, and told me to switch meds, but I didn't have the presc filled till today.) Elijah was sleepy and really cranky, crying over the size of his bowl that he was eating out of.
Some days I don't know what to do, and just want to end it all. I want to either leave or just kill myself. But then I think about all those people who grow up messed up because a parent left them, and I don't want that for my boys. I don't want that guilt on myself, and I don't want to hurt my boys. As well, when someone close to me committed suicide, it totally broke my heart, I would never put anyone through that pain.
But sometimes life gets the best of me, and I want to give it up. David doesnt have any clue as to why I am the way that I am, nor does he seem to care. He just seems to see me as someone who doesnt do shit all day. Hello, mommy is a tough job. (He at this moment is on Gears of War 2, and is driving me fucking crazy.)
People tell me to start being a bitch to him, lay down the law, put the iron fist. Yeah, its not working. I need some hope, ugh.